So I have just received an email confirming my university place. This can seem like a very minor thing for some, but for me it means more than anything. Let me explain, I actually have what is known as a "hidden disability" (those that know me will know that its not always hidden). This makes life ten times more complex for me than the average person. This time last month I was in tears, I honestly didn't think that I could do it or even pass my college course.
I have struggled with making it through many different things in my life- the main ones, which are the longest periods of time, is my education- from as soon as lessons/lectures have been in play. Processing and understanding information isn't the easiest of tasks for me. Others in my classes have made me feel like I am the most stupid person on the planet. Feeling like this from a young age doesn't exactly give you the most amazing self esteem possible. In fact, it makes things a lot harder as I feel like a constant failure as others are always doing so much better than me. I have come to learn that in actual fact I am not a failure or dead stupid as others can make me feel. Why? Because I am trying my hardest and I'm not alone in this.
I have the most supportive group of people surrounding me throughout it all. I have so many people to thank for being there for me and helping me overcome some of the difficulties that I face on a daily basis. Just having people there telling me I can do it is enough, they don't make me feel that I'm stupid because I can't do it, they just encourage and support me which is all I can ask for.
Just yesterday, a book called: "Caged in Chaos" arrived in the post. My mum ordered it so she could learn more about me and how things affect me rather than trying to get me to explain. (Trust me, its a lot easier this way.) But the beauty of this particular book is that it is for people who have the same condition as me. It gives hints and tips on how to cope through certain situations which is the most useful thing I have read! In the reason that someone out there of a similar age has written about the problems it causes for them, it shows that certain ways of approaching situations can help majorly. I'm really looking forward to trying some of them out and to finish reading it. I think that me reading it first is the best idea as it can help me whereas its for my mum to learn things about me.
I'm slowly being able to at least try and live like a normal person, but doing this is probably the most difficult task as its not physically possible for me to do so. I try my hardest with so many things and I hope that one day, I will be able to go into the occupation I want rather than having this prevent me from doing anything that I want to do in life. Being able to live as a normal person is a dream- but not one that can become a reality for me, I just want to at least feel normal and have others treat me as a normal person rather than a stupid one.
Toodles for now,
Nicole xox
